I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize