he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
