The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
