i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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