my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
meet me or not, i'm out of control
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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