god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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