Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
