dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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