dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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