Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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