guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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