Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
