I bet he comes in French.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
