Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
