Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
