I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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