Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
