she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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