Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
