3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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