I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
