too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
