2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
