when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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