so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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