PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
