Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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