ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
