He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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