We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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