How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Randomize
