plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
