She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
