He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
