Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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