I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
