either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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