why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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