Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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