I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
