I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
