there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
