I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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