Your tits are I can't wait for
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
