i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
