he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
