Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
