I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
