In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
