shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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