I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
this just has baby written all over it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
