My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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