At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
