When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
