My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
