can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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