Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
