New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
