Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
