my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sorry my hands just texted you
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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