I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize