Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
