I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
