I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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