Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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